[My precious mother, Florence M. Meyer on her wedding day, and shortly before she died in 2002.]
Today I turn 20.
20 years clean and sober at the warm, healing tables of AA.
I have gained so much in these 20 years.....so much peace, satisfaction, and lack of the angst that trailed along behind me like a puppy on a leash most of my early life.
That's gone.
And I am blessed.
And it isn't about not drinking. No. It is about learning to live sober, putting my life in the hands of the Higher Power who I choose to call God, and understanding my purpose in life.
It is about letting go and letting God, and understanding that even as I take my last breath on this earth, I will be learning and growing.
And all of this is built on what my mother taught me.
Due to multigenerational dysfunction (and all families have it) my mother and I played ours out in an unhealthy, enmeshed relationship that I tried all of my adult life to extricate myself from. I was never successful until the final hours of her life.
It was on her death bed that I healed from my wounds.
It was on her death bed that I released her from hers.
This is how it worked: My 87 year old mother, who had lived at home independently until 3 days before her death, was unconscious and couldn't move, and wasn't able to get away from the truths of my feelings, and wasn't able to change the subject, divert the topic away from what I needed to say, which had been her style.
It went through my head......I've got her now! She has to listen!
And I told her I was going to tell her what was in my heart. All of it. And I said a little prayer for God to put the words in my mouth that needed to be said. I started to speak.
What came to me was to tell her the things I would remember about her, and then what came to my lips surprised and delighted me.
I first remembered how she had rescued my 8th Grade 4-H sewing project. And that set the tone. The memories that came flooding into words from out of my heart were of wonderful, happy times she gave me, times of fun, joy, and sacrifice.
At the end of this speaking for about an hour, which had lapsed into hymns known by heart that she taught me, and Bible verses she taught me including Luke 2, I stopped and thought a moment. Do I want to finally, finally, finally tell her about how she hurt me?
And what came to my mind was I want to tell her that I forgive her.
After all, she was wounded too, just a product of her life, and the multigenerational dysfunction of our lives.
So all I said was this: Mother, I forgive you for any wrong you ever did to me.
After I said that, I realized I didn't need to say more about what that wrong had been.
No need.
It was done.
And then that small, still voice that I choose to call the Holy Spirit whispered to me the next words of my heart and I spoke them to my mother: And I know, Mom, that you forgive me for all the wrong I ever did to you too.
That was the big Amen!
What a healing. My grief process after her death was normal, natural, healthy, and progressed to peace.
But,
that's not the end of the story.
For life, after all is process, and the process doesn't end while we are on earth.....maybe not after either. We have to wait to find that out :)
Recently I have been attending 12 Steps for Christians, as well as my Saturday Morning Eye Opener AA meeting. It is a wonderful group of human growth in Christian love.
So many of the people present are "born again."
And I have never felt that way. Born again.
Last week during the meeting I had another ah-ha experience that builds on the foundation of my peace with my mother. I explained it this way to the group at the meeting:
I was Born Again at my baptism when I was a couple weeks old, and then I acknowledged that at my confirmation ceremony. I have never felt away from God, even in my drinking years I prayed and knew God was with me. That's how I found sobriety. You see, I had a mother who taught me that I am Jesus's little lamb. And I believed it because she believed it. And it has been proven again and again as I realize how God has done for me what I could not do for myself. That has made all the difference in my life. My mother didn't give me what I wanted, that is true. But she gave me what I needed--the most important gift she could have given me; the knowledge that I am Jesus's little lamb.
And I still am.
And always well be.
Just a stranger here, heaven is my home.
My mother's faith, her bringing Jesus into everything (which drove me nuts, but always being forced to think of her words to take Jesus along has saved me from a few really bad things) I found this wonderful life into which I have been "born again."
I didn't know my purpose when I was drinking. I read all those self help books of the 70's and 80's, took psychology courses, but just couldn't find the answers to my existential search.
I thought my search had to do with being happy. What, oh what would make me happy? That's what I needed to pursue. Getting sober (because that's the blessed journey chosen for me and for which I am grateful) and being exposed to the wonderful people who are trying to live life by the 12 Steps has taught me that happiness is not the goal.
The goal is: Become the person God means me to be.
Sometimes that is a lot of work. Sometimes that means going against the grain. Sometimes that means pain. But it always means growth.
And,
this is the good part,
living the right kind of life has created the byproduct of happiness!
Ah-ha! Don't search for happiness. Happiness is the byproduct of living the right kind of life!
How simple.
Yet hard.
And all of this,
all of this
if one traces back the path of my life, goes to this:
A young woman with her little girl on her lap teaching her that she is Jesus's little lamb.
Today, my 18th Anniversary of Sobriety, I honor my mother, Florence M. Meyer, her lessons, her life, her gifts to me. Mom, you did well. Thank you for being my angel on this earth.
When I die, I can't wait to sit on your lap again!
20 years clean and sober at the warm, healing tables of AA.
I have gained so much in these 20 years.....so much peace, satisfaction, and lack of the angst that trailed along behind me like a puppy on a leash most of my early life.
That's gone.
And I am blessed.
And it isn't about not drinking. No. It is about learning to live sober, putting my life in the hands of the Higher Power who I choose to call God, and understanding my purpose in life.
It is about letting go and letting God, and understanding that even as I take my last breath on this earth, I will be learning and growing.
And all of this is built on what my mother taught me.
Due to multigenerational dysfunction (and all families have it) my mother and I played ours out in an unhealthy, enmeshed relationship that I tried all of my adult life to extricate myself from. I was never successful until the final hours of her life.
It was on her death bed that I healed from my wounds.
It was on her death bed that I released her from hers.
This is how it worked: My 87 year old mother, who had lived at home independently until 3 days before her death, was unconscious and couldn't move, and wasn't able to get away from the truths of my feelings, and wasn't able to change the subject, divert the topic away from what I needed to say, which had been her style.
It went through my head......I've got her now! She has to listen!
And I told her I was going to tell her what was in my heart. All of it. And I said a little prayer for God to put the words in my mouth that needed to be said. I started to speak.
What came to me was to tell her the things I would remember about her, and then what came to my lips surprised and delighted me.
I first remembered how she had rescued my 8th Grade 4-H sewing project. And that set the tone. The memories that came flooding into words from out of my heart were of wonderful, happy times she gave me, times of fun, joy, and sacrifice.
At the end of this speaking for about an hour, which had lapsed into hymns known by heart that she taught me, and Bible verses she taught me including Luke 2, I stopped and thought a moment. Do I want to finally, finally, finally tell her about how she hurt me?
And what came to my mind was I want to tell her that I forgive her.
After all, she was wounded too, just a product of her life, and the multigenerational dysfunction of our lives.
So all I said was this: Mother, I forgive you for any wrong you ever did to me.
After I said that, I realized I didn't need to say more about what that wrong had been.
No need.
It was done.
And then that small, still voice that I choose to call the Holy Spirit whispered to me the next words of my heart and I spoke them to my mother: And I know, Mom, that you forgive me for all the wrong I ever did to you too.
That was the big Amen!
What a healing. My grief process after her death was normal, natural, healthy, and progressed to peace.
But,
that's not the end of the story.
For life, after all is process, and the process doesn't end while we are on earth.....maybe not after either. We have to wait to find that out :)
Recently I have been attending 12 Steps for Christians, as well as my Saturday Morning Eye Opener AA meeting. It is a wonderful group of human growth in Christian love.
So many of the people present are "born again."
And I have never felt that way. Born again.
Last week during the meeting I had another ah-ha experience that builds on the foundation of my peace with my mother. I explained it this way to the group at the meeting:
I was Born Again at my baptism when I was a couple weeks old, and then I acknowledged that at my confirmation ceremony. I have never felt away from God, even in my drinking years I prayed and knew God was with me. That's how I found sobriety. You see, I had a mother who taught me that I am Jesus's little lamb. And I believed it because she believed it. And it has been proven again and again as I realize how God has done for me what I could not do for myself. That has made all the difference in my life. My mother didn't give me what I wanted, that is true. But she gave me what I needed--the most important gift she could have given me; the knowledge that I am Jesus's little lamb.
And I still am.
And always well be.
Just a stranger here, heaven is my home.
My mother's faith, her bringing Jesus into everything (which drove me nuts, but always being forced to think of her words to take Jesus along has saved me from a few really bad things) I found this wonderful life into which I have been "born again."
I didn't know my purpose when I was drinking. I read all those self help books of the 70's and 80's, took psychology courses, but just couldn't find the answers to my existential search.
I thought my search had to do with being happy. What, oh what would make me happy? That's what I needed to pursue. Getting sober (because that's the blessed journey chosen for me and for which I am grateful) and being exposed to the wonderful people who are trying to live life by the 12 Steps has taught me that happiness is not the goal.
The goal is: Become the person God means me to be.
Sometimes that is a lot of work. Sometimes that means going against the grain. Sometimes that means pain. But it always means growth.
And,
this is the good part,
living the right kind of life has created the byproduct of happiness!
Ah-ha! Don't search for happiness. Happiness is the byproduct of living the right kind of life!
How simple.
Yet hard.
And all of this,
all of this
if one traces back the path of my life, goes to this:
A young woman with her little girl on her lap teaching her that she is Jesus's little lamb.
Today, my 18th Anniversary of Sobriety, I honor my mother, Florence M. Meyer, her lessons, her life, her gifts to me. Mom, you did well. Thank you for being my angel on this earth.
When I die, I can't wait to sit on your lap again!
